Friday, 8 June 2018

On Finding Love


When I asked my readers to suggest a topic for my blog, someone said, "on finding love". If you read my older posts, you should know I love writing about love. I'm not trying to give advice or pretend to be some relationship expert. I simply love sharing my experience and the afterthoughts that consequent from it.

I never intentionally sought love until the end of my last relationship. Becoming single after a decade of commitment was not something I was used to. But to be honest, despite the struggles of a break up, I was undeniably excited to return to the dating scene. I missed it. I needed the distraction badly. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could love again.

I went on dinner and movie dates with so many people that I felt like the sexless version of Sex and the City. Most of these dates ended at the first. But I met one guy who was very good on paper. He was sweet, good looking, tall, successful, ivy-league educated, and everything on my list. Most importantly, he liked me very much and treated me well. 

We met at a school event where I was helping at the reception table. He was a good looking man, stood out immediately from the geekier/nerdier Stanford crowd. He came to register his name and that's when I took a mental note of it. We made a small joke that lasted less than 5 seconds. That was all of our interaction that day, but I trusted there was some sort of chemistry. 

That same night, I went home, searched his name, and found him on Facebook. I didn't add him of course, trusting that presumed chemistry I felt, and betted that he would come to me. And he did, before the end of that night.

"Hi, I'm not sure if you remember me, but we met tonight at the registration table", his message blinked on my screen like a prediction came true.

"Ummm, sorry I don't remember", I typed, secretly smiling at this dating game I don't normally play. 

Few years from then, I realized, when you meet the right guy, there will be no games, no wall, no pretence, and you just pour your heart out like it was the first time.

"I was wearing white", he added quickly
"Ummmm .. sorry, there were too many people tonight", I giggled more. 

He sent over a photo. 

"Ohhhh, yes I remember you, hi ! :) "

That was how we started and it lasted a couple months. It was extremely cute, what we had, but I had a hard time developing deeper feelings for him. What I felt for him was only the glitters sparkling off the sweetness of a new relationship.

I tried really hard to grow feelings for him, like I'd ask him to stay a little longer at my place when he had to go home, even though I didn't really feel that way. We held hands and I let him kiss my lips. I was so frustrated I couldn't feel any stronger for him because he was almost exactly the type of man I was looking for.

In the end, I became tired of forcing myself to chat with him over the phone, to disappoint him when I made up excuses to escape dates, and most importantly, to fall for him. I guess I was only attracted to his qualities, and only fell for the idea of him.

So we ended, and I continued on my journey of finding true love.

The dinner dates, movies, desserts, evening strolls...

I became hopeless, thinking I would never ever truly fall for anyone again.

Then more dinner dates, movies, desserts, and evening strolls...

And one night at a romantic restaurant up on a snowy mountain, I was having a date with a guy whose name I no longer recall. I looked out the panoramic window by our table, and saw the first snow fall of the year.

It was rather romantic, the setting. At that very moment, I found myself wanting to share the romance, not with the person sitting across from me, but this other man I just met. 

The urge grew stronger - I wanted to end that date, and go home, just to chat with that man.

While having dessert, my date still wanted to linger, but I wanted to go home so badly that I lied I wasn't feeling well. We left and I felt so relieved. 

That marks the last date I went on as a single lady, and that "other person I just met", was Frank.

Meeting Frank and falling for Frank was so easy. It was almost too effortless that I had to mentally stop myself from rushing in.

Cheesy, but it honestly felt like while the either of us was prepared, was ready, or thought was the right timing, we couldn't help but gravitated towards each other. We had obstacles, different plans, and opposite lifestyles. But we made it work as if all of our differences and hardship were there to complement us as a couple

So that was my take on finding love - there is no checking off the quality list, there is no who messaged whom first, there is no mind games, no chase, and well, no control. 

Love just emerges, unexpected, unplanned, and unstoppable. It swells up every part of your body with happiness and excitement. You can't restrain its arrival like you can't hinder the coming of rain, or the sun, or the stars. 

And so here I am now, making the lifetime commitment with the person I couldn't stop thinking of that night during the first snow fall, still swelling with the same happiness that swept me off my feet years back. 

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